Happy Birthday to my dear youngest son, Benjamin Eli;
"the son of my right hand"; a promise and one of the greatest tests
of my faith in trusting in God....no matter what.
(Benjamin's adventures)
The Bible says in
Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he
who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those
who diligently seek Him.
After a very painful, back labor filled, 22 hour homebirth
of my daughter Annabella, who weighed in at 10lbs I was nervous to go it again
17 months later, without being in a hospital with pain meds. Mid-way in my
pregnancy I felt the Holy Spirit direct me to do just that and yet came with
this instruction a very somber feeling of something bad going to happen. I
sought the Lord daily for comfort, a word, a reassurance. I didn't get any of
that. Just a simple instruction that I was to have this baby at home and each
time the same daunting feeling swept over me. We had not really settled on a
name but what was in my heart was Benjamin Elijah, named after the Bible heroes
of faith. Yet, I wouldn't dare tell anyone this or even allow myself to name
him that because Benjamin's mother Rachel had died during child birth and with
the impending doom feeling I had it was like I was speaking a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So we called him Harlen West while I was pregnant :-)
(one month before he was born was already 8lbs)
The weeks carried on and with it the secret I held in my
heart was something bad would happen. Why, Lord? Why are You asking me to have
this child at home when something is going to occur? Why are you asking me to
put my child's life or my life on the line when I am the mother of 4 other
children that need their mommy? I pleaded and asked for answers, a promise, but
none was given. A few months before delivery I began writing "good-bye"
letters to my other children, husband and family. They were written with tears
pouring out of my eyes, my heart wrenched. I knew I would not disobey God....no
matter what, and that in my mind meant possibly to death. He wasn't answering
my "whys", no promise of good outcome, but the simple command to have
this baby at home. One night as I was writing the Holy Spirit very loudly said,
"stop writing those." I tried to argue and explain how cruel it would
be to leave my family with no words. But the simple answer was "no".
As I cried out that night I was reminded of several things
1.) God's ways are not our ways, His thoughts are high
above. (Isaiah 55:8)
2.) It is impossible to please God without faith. (Hebrews
6:11)
3.) 2 times in the Bible did God miraculously part the
waters for the children of Israel to go through. The first was with the Red
Sea. Pharaoh and his army was after them and Moses instructed to lift his
staff. The waters parted! They walked through on dry ground. They had no where
else to go, they were afraid and cried to Moses and God delivered them and took
care of their enemy, when they saw this they "feared the Lord and put
their trust in Him and Moses, His servant. " The second time was much
different. They had been through testing, trials, discipline, many miracles and
after 40 years finally going to enter the Promised Land. But this time they
were given instructions. The ark of the covenant, carried by the priests were
to go through the camp and go before them. A measure of 2000 cubits was to divide
them from the Ark. This time no Moses, no raising of the staff and going
performing a miracle BEFORE they had to act in faith. No, this time the priests
had to put their feet into the raging waters of the overflowing waters while
carrying the ark. It was AFTER this act that God parted the waters and dry land
appeared, as the priests stood in the midst of the Jordan they all passed
through in safety.
As we grow in our walk and ask God to use us, to be
glorified in our lives our walks of faith and acts of obedience according to
faith should grow too. So that night I felt assured that no matter what, God is
the King of kings, the Lord of lords, that He had a plan for my life and if
that was to die in obedience than so be it. I had peace that surpassed all
understanding and that didn't mean I lacked fear, it just meant that despite
the circumstances I trusted in God. I settled it that night. I still didn't
have my answers as to what was going to happen, He wasn't parting the Red sea
for me, but instead I was having to dip my feet in the Jordan River, but HE
would go before me. As we walk closer to the Lord He stretches our faith, He may remove the awareness of His presence, stop giving us abundant confirmations around every corner. He may not "close the door" we are forcing open and instead allow us to flounder and struggle. What will we do? God allows us to see our response to Him. He allows us to see our faith. I still stole glances and gave lots of kisses and spent
special time and made sure my family knew I loved them. I laughed and cuddled
and prayed.
My due date came and went, now realizing this baby was HUGE.
So huge my nerves were compressed and my leg would go out. I was in pain, I was
having labor that would last days and then suddenly stop. I was exhausted and
all the while I had this little baby that never...I mean ever...stopped moving
and flipping. Going breech even up to a week before he was born. One morning I
awoke early to feel different. Today was going to be the day. I woke Dhyan up
early to go steal away and have breakfast with me and Annabella. I ate
breakfast fully in labor without telling Dhyan, until I got to the point where
the contractions were taking my breath away and I couldn't talk anymore. I
finally told him, "Ok I am in labor".
(Due date, 40 weeks...no baby)
On the way home the rain was falling gently, it was a
"cooler" morning. Starting to get excited we called the midwife and
she was already at another birth! That wasn't suppose to happen. I didn't even
care, I would have this baby no matter what.
Fast forward through all the laboring details, my wonderful
sister in law, who is a doula was attending to me, as well as my husband. The
midwife came just in time for pushing; it was time for delivery. Baby came out
textbook, his head was faced down and perfect....then he flipped. He completely
turned while his head was delivered to a complete posterior position. I could
not deliver him. I pushed, I was pulled out of the water. The clock was ticking
as the entire mood of the room changed. This was serious. Double shoulder
dystocia. I yelled to everyone to start praying. The pain was immeasurable as I
felt like my back was breaking. My midwife did so much of her training in
Belize with high risk pregnancy and no doctors. In her training she had come
across dystocia and began doing the "regularly taught" methods, but
her mentor stopped her and told her that doesn't help and can cause damage. She
showed her how to safely deliver the shoulders by folding the baby like a taco
and pulling out. I liken that pain to a medieval torture chamber, getting
pulled apart or something quite dramatic! Just under 5 minutes had passed with
the baby a lack of oxygen. His cord was wrapped around his neck and had been
compressed in the birth canal. He was purple. He didn't cry but as he was laid
on my chest I knew everything was ok. Everyone else wasn't so sure, but I knew
God's peace. He finally curled his little lower lip down and cried. It was the
most precious, beautiful cry ever.
10 pound 8 ounces, 22 1/2 inches long! Let me say that
again, 10 and half pounds of almost 2 feet long baby!! He was the size of a toddler
(well practically)! His birth was a miracle. It was especially a miracle
because he suffered no nerve damage. In cases like this in a hospital the
outcome is usually very different. It is the fear of doctors and midwives, its
a medical emergency. Often times involves resuscitation, NICU stay, episiotomy,
broken clavicles on baby, nerve damage, blood loss for mom, and even death.
(miracle)
The drama was over and baby was ok. NOW the enemy of my soul
was on overtime. Baby was not named Harlen but I couldn't bring myself to name
him yet. "Benjamin" brought with it fear of me dying. The baby was ok
but I was pretty weak, lost blood, in pain and felt "off". Still I
was silent. I would wake up at night and my heart was beating so slowly which
scared me because I have a resting heart rate of 80, it was instead 40. I
didn't tell anyone, not even my husband as I wasn't emotionally prepared to
explain to him the last few months of my faith walk. On the 3rd day the midwife
came to check me and baby out again and told me, "Okay I have to send the
paperwork in...we need a name." My husband and I looked at each other and
I said, "Benjamin Eli Hatton". I wrote it down and fell asleep for a
nap.
I woke from my nap trembling. I was shaking so hard I was
moving the bed. I felt so sick and feverish. I thought to myself I have
mastitis. I crawled out of bed and left to the urgent care to get antibiotics.
I went alone since the "swine flu" was going around and I didn't want
the baby to exposed. The drive felt forever as I was so sick, I check in and
they did my vitals. They were alarming. My resting heart rate was 160, my blood
pressure was very low, I had a fever and couldn't stop shaking. Even in my
heart I knew it was mastitis but in my silent time in the waiting room...often
times I see those the "waiting room of life", I had time to think the
"what ifs".
What if I die now. I did name him Ben. The enemy was on
overtime. "You're going to die, you see." As I am given an emergency
blanket the doctor comes in and says, "We are arranging transport by
ambulance to the ER....you know, because back in the day women would die like
this, having babies at home...then leaves the room." ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
My sister appears from nowhere (she had heard I was down there by myself). I
saw her and began to cry. We prayed and I was transported. Funny a man I used
to work with in the ER was the paramedic and was very comforting. I told the
docs I what I thought and eventually it was ruled to be mastitis.
(one week old next to his friend who was born 2 days after him)
The battle against fear didn't end there though. It clung
itself to me for years like a dark cloak that smothered me. Normal
circumstances of regular sicknesses and bumps/bruises were anxiety inducing. Benjamin seemed to find
himself in situations NONE of my other children ever had. At 6 weeks old he
began projectile vomiting daily...every single day until he was 8 months old, had to Xray and see why his chest was sunken
in. At 8 weeks old he got the dreaded swine flu; so so sick. By the time he was
2 he had broken his arm, been electrocuted with an exit burn right under his
heart, got stuck in a shopping cart and had to be cut out, near drowned in swim
lesson, RSV, terrible bronchitis and croup were part of any simple cold. By the
time he was 3 he was climbing and flipping and everywhere and fell on his head
and cracked a tooth that needed a cap. It seemed if it could happen, it would
happen with him. The fear in simply Ben existing and all the "what ifs" of impending injuries and illnesses were wrought with strangling fear. I would like to say God miraculously delivered me overnight
and I don't struggle. But that's not how God chose to do that. Instead He has
walked with me in the valley of shadow of death, holding me, refocusing me,
teaching me to battle. I have not completely overcome but I can say I am an
overcomer. Its not come through God parting the red sea but instead making me
dip my feet in the raging waters. Fear does not control me.
(Ben found a piece of pipe and wanted to give it to his older sister as a ring)
Happy Birthday to the sweetest, most grateful, kindhearted,
giving boy I know. Thank you for being a warrior who fights for and enjoys life
to the fullest. Thanks be to God who has written our stories and gives us
opportunity to walk in faith.
(my warrior)
