The Christian Walk of Fear and of Faith

Happy Birthday to my dear youngest son, Benjamin Eli; "the son of my right hand"; a promise and one of the greatest tests of my faith in trusting in God....no matter what.

(Benjamin's adventures)

 The Bible says in  Hebrews 11:6 But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

 After a very painful, back labor filled, 22 hour homebirth of my daughter Annabella, who weighed in at 10lbs I was nervous to go it again 17 months later, without being in a hospital with pain meds. Mid-way in my pregnancy I felt the Holy Spirit direct me to do just that and yet came with this instruction a very somber feeling of something bad going to happen. I sought the Lord daily for comfort, a word, a reassurance. I didn't get any of that. Just a simple instruction that I was to have this baby at home and each time the same daunting feeling swept over me. We had not really settled on a name but what was in my heart was Benjamin Elijah, named after the Bible heroes of faith. Yet, I wouldn't dare tell anyone this or even allow myself to name him that because Benjamin's mother Rachel had died during child birth and with the impending doom feeling I had it was like I was speaking a self-fulfilling prophecy. So we called him Harlen West while I was pregnant :-)

(one month before he was born was already 8lbs)

 The weeks carried on and with it the secret I held in my heart was something bad would happen. Why, Lord? Why are You asking me to have this child at home when something is going to occur? Why are you asking me to put my child's life or my life on the line when I am the mother of 4 other children that need their mommy? I pleaded and asked for answers, a promise, but none was given. A few months before delivery I began writing "good-bye" letters to my other children, husband and family. They were written with tears pouring out of my eyes, my heart wrenched. I knew I would not disobey God....no matter what, and that in my mind meant possibly to death. He wasn't answering my "whys", no promise of good outcome, but the simple command to have this baby at home. One night as I was writing the Holy Spirit very loudly said, "stop writing those." I tried to argue and explain how cruel it would be to leave my family with no words. But the simple answer was "no".

 As I cried out that night I was reminded of several things

1.) God's ways are not our ways, His thoughts are high above.   (Isaiah 55:8)

2.) It is impossible to please God without faith. (Hebrews 6:11)

3.) 2 times in the Bible did God miraculously part the waters for the children of Israel to go through. The first was with the Red Sea. Pharaoh and his army was after them and Moses instructed to lift his staff. The waters parted! They walked through on dry ground. They had no where else to go, they were afraid and cried to Moses and God delivered them and took care of their enemy, when they saw this they "feared the Lord and put their trust in Him and Moses, His servant. " The second time was much different. They had been through testing, trials, discipline, many miracles and after 40 years finally going to enter the Promised Land. But this time they were given instructions. The ark of the covenant, carried by the priests were to go through the camp and go before them. A measure of 2000 cubits was to divide them from the Ark. This time no Moses, no raising of the staff and going performing a miracle BEFORE they had to act in faith. No, this time the priests had to put their feet into the raging waters of the overflowing waters while carrying the ark. It was AFTER this act that God parted the waters and dry land appeared, as the priests stood in the midst of the Jordan they all passed through in safety.

 As we grow in our walk and ask God to use us, to be glorified in our lives our walks of faith and acts of obedience according to faith should grow too. So that night I felt assured that no matter what, God is the King of kings, the Lord of lords, that He had a plan for my life and if that was to die in obedience than so be it. I had peace that surpassed all understanding and that didn't mean I lacked fear, it just meant that despite the circumstances I trusted in God.  I settled it that night. I still didn't have my answers as to what was going to happen, He wasn't parting the Red sea for me, but instead I was having to dip my feet in the Jordan River, but HE would go before me. As we walk closer to the Lord He stretches our faith, He may remove the awareness of His presence, stop giving us abundant confirmations around every corner. He may not "close the door" we are forcing open and instead allow us to flounder and struggle. What will we do? God allows us to see our response to Him. He allows us to see our faith. I still stole glances and gave lots of kisses and spent special time and made sure my family knew I loved them. I laughed and cuddled and prayed.

 My due date came and went, now realizing this baby was HUGE. So huge my nerves were compressed and my leg would go out. I was in pain, I was having labor that would last days and then suddenly stop. I was exhausted and all the while I had this little baby that never...I mean ever...stopped moving and flipping. Going breech even up to a week before he was born. One morning I awoke early to feel different. Today was going to be the day. I woke Dhyan up early to go steal away and have breakfast with me and Annabella. I ate breakfast fully in labor without telling Dhyan, until I got to the point where the contractions were taking my breath away and I couldn't talk anymore. I finally told him, "Ok I am in labor".

(Due date, 40 weeks...no baby)

 On the way home the rain was falling gently, it was a "cooler" morning. Starting to get excited we called the midwife and she was already at another birth! That wasn't suppose to happen. I didn't even care, I would have this baby no matter what.

 Fast forward through all the laboring details, my wonderful sister in law, who is a doula was attending to me, as well as my husband. The midwife came just in time for pushing; it was time for delivery. Baby came out textbook, his head was faced down and perfect....then he flipped. He completely turned while his head was delivered to a complete posterior position. I could not deliver him. I pushed, I was pulled out of the water. The clock was ticking as the entire mood of the room changed. This was serious. Double shoulder dystocia. I yelled to everyone to start praying. The pain was immeasurable as I felt like my back was breaking. My midwife did so much of her training in Belize with high risk pregnancy and no doctors. In her training she had come across dystocia and began doing the "regularly taught" methods, but her mentor stopped her and told her that doesn't help and can cause damage. She showed her how to safely deliver the shoulders by folding the baby like a taco and pulling out. I liken that pain to a medieval torture chamber, getting pulled apart or something quite dramatic! Just under 5 minutes had passed with the baby a lack of oxygen. His cord was wrapped around his neck and had been compressed in the birth canal. He was purple. He didn't cry but as he was laid on my chest I knew everything was ok. Everyone else wasn't so sure, but I knew God's peace. He finally curled his little lower lip down and cried. It was the most precious, beautiful cry ever.

 10 pound 8 ounces, 22 1/2 inches long! Let me say that again, 10 and half pounds of almost 2 feet long baby!! He was the size of a toddler (well practically)! His birth was a miracle. It was especially a miracle because he suffered no nerve damage. In cases like this in a hospital the outcome is usually very different. It is the fear of doctors and midwives, its a medical emergency. Often times involves resuscitation, NICU stay, episiotomy, broken clavicles on baby, nerve damage, blood loss for mom, and even death.

(miracle)

 The drama was over and baby was ok. NOW the enemy of my soul was on overtime. Baby was not named Harlen but I couldn't bring myself to name him yet. "Benjamin" brought with it fear of me dying. The baby was ok but I was pretty weak, lost blood, in pain and felt "off". Still I was silent. I would wake up at night and my heart was beating so slowly which scared me because I have a resting heart rate of 80, it was instead 40. I didn't tell anyone, not even my husband as I wasn't emotionally prepared to explain to him the last few months of my faith walk. On the 3rd day the midwife came to check me and baby out again and told me, "Okay I have to send the paperwork in...we need a name." My husband and I looked at each other and I said, "Benjamin Eli Hatton". I wrote it down and fell asleep for a nap.

 I woke from my nap trembling. I was shaking so hard I was moving the bed. I felt so sick and feverish. I thought to myself I have mastitis. I crawled out of bed and left to the urgent care to get antibiotics. I went alone since the "swine flu" was going around and I didn't want the baby to exposed. The drive felt forever as I was so sick, I check in and they did my vitals. They were alarming. My resting heart rate was 160, my blood pressure was very low, I had a fever and couldn't stop shaking. Even in my heart I knew it was mastitis but in my silent time in the waiting room...often times I see those the "waiting room of life", I had time to think the "what ifs".

 What if I die now. I did name him Ben. The enemy was on overtime. "You're going to die, you see." As I am given an emergency blanket the doctor comes in and says, "We are arranging transport by ambulance to the ER....you know, because back in the day women would die like this, having babies at home...then leaves the room." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? My sister appears from nowhere (she had heard I was down there by myself). I saw her and began to cry. We prayed and I was transported. Funny a man I used to work with in the ER was the paramedic and was very comforting. I told the docs I what I thought and eventually it was ruled to be mastitis.

(one week old next to his friend who was born 2 days after him)

 The battle against fear didn't end there though. It clung itself to me for years like a dark cloak that smothered me. Normal circumstances of regular sicknesses and bumps/bruises were anxiety inducing. Benjamin seemed to find himself in situations NONE of my other children ever had.  At 6 weeks old he began projectile vomiting daily...every single day until he was 8 months old, had to Xray and see why his chest was sunken in. At 8 weeks old he got the dreaded swine flu; so so sick. By the time he was 2 he had broken his arm, been electrocuted with an exit burn right under his heart, got stuck in a shopping cart and had to be cut out, near drowned in swim lesson, RSV, terrible bronchitis and croup were part of any simple cold. By the time he was 3 he was climbing and flipping and everywhere and fell on his head and cracked a tooth that needed a cap. It seemed if it could happen, it would happen with him. The fear in simply Ben existing and all the "what ifs" of impending injuries and illnesses were wrought with strangling fear. I would like to say God miraculously delivered me overnight and I don't struggle. But that's not how God chose to do that. Instead He has walked with me in the valley of shadow of death, holding me, refocusing me, teaching me to battle. I have not completely overcome but I can say I am an overcomer. Its not come through God parting the red sea but instead making me dip my feet in the raging waters. Fear does not control me.

(Ben found a piece of pipe and wanted to give it to his older sister as a ring)

 Happy Birthday to the sweetest, most grateful, kindhearted, giving boy I know. Thank you for being a warrior who fights for and enjoys life to the fullest. Thanks be to God who has written our stories and gives us opportunity to walk in faith.

(my warrior)

"Don't be Chicken" January 1, 2015

January 1, 2015

2010-2014 have been very trying years in so many ways. Of course all years are filled with the good, the bad and the ugly, but if it weren't for the peace of God amongst the trials and “valleys of death”, I would lose hope. Toward the end of this year the Holy Spirit began heavily reminding me to be like an eagle and not a chicken. Chickens are earthbound, scratching and pecking always looking at the ground; not able to fly, their only perspective is from the ground.  They follow each other without even looking where the first one running is going, they just follow the commotion. When a storm comes they naturally run for cover in a confused frenzy.  Eagles, on the other hand, are heavenly bound and soar high. They see far beyond what is in front of them. They are usually solitary birds (yet can recognize his own, another eagle, soaring up to 50 miles away) and don’t follow any “flock” waiting for other birds to direct them. The same storm that leaves a chicken running for cover is used to the advantage of the eagle. They use the strong winds to lift them even higher, sometimes even above the low-lying storm clouds. As I watch my beloved chickens pecking at the ground I realize how much time they spend looking down, pecking around in a confined backyard. I don’t want to be a chicken. I know the things the Holy Spirit has revealed to me require that I have eagle eyes and to not focus in on my earthbound problems; seeing in the spiritual instead of natural, being eternal minded instead temporal. Instead I pray to be an eagle, not confined to seeing what is simply in front of, not hiding when the storm comes, but rather soaring in the storm. 

That is easier said than done. As the storms come in and rock my world and cause all sorts of doubt, emotions and the enemy seems to be taking territory it is hard to stand in that battle without running to retreat; crippled in fear. So as I go into another year of spiritual battle I can look and see the training. The difficulties, trials and flat out attacks that were meant by the enemy to crush, paralyze, steal, kill and destroy instead become the strength training tools. I  become more and more comfortable with my weapon and armor. I become wiser to how the enemy fights; his plans and schemes, I become more aware that I am no longer a soldier in boot camp training but rather a soldier who has done a few tours. I know what spiritual war looks like, I know to a fuller understanding now the prophetic word given to me decades ago from of having a forehead of flint (Ezekiel); a face set like flint (Isaiah). As I continually remind myself of what command the Lord has given, I am in a constant fight with myself to be spirit-led instead of leading myself from a place of emotion, seen circumstances or outcomes I expected to be different. A soldier of Christ therefore wars from the heavenly realm, because he/she has spiritual vision. Often times this sort of life is misunderstood, certainly by the world, but also by many of their brothers and sisters in Christ. This is the natural and narrowing walk as we draw closer and closer to Him.

2 Timothy 2:3 You therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. 4 No man that wars entangles himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who has chosen him to be a soldier.

There are many pictures and examples of these people in the Bible. They are known as the “remnant, overcomers, the 100 fold, Zion, the Man-child, Sons of Zadok, Holy of holies company,  first-fruits, Gideon’s 300, Elijah company, “those that come out of her”, etc. Each example is a Bible teaching in itself and foreshadows the small and faithful, uncompromising from each generation. These aren't super saints, self proclaimed "elitists", or big name preachers. These are common people, from all walks of life who simply love the Lord with all their heart, soul and mind. They hear the Lord's voice and respond.

The other picture the Holy Spirit has given me continually since 2008 is of Places of Refuge and Lighthouses. That, in this time, the Lord is making these simultaneously. As His hand of favor, protection and blessing is being lifted and judgment begins that He has a remnant that He will use as places of refuge or Lighthouses. I looked into the history of lighthouses and found two very compelling things that from a secular wording stood out as spiritually highlighted.  Lighthouses serve two purposes: they warn from danger and they bring into safety. Their light and their siren warn of impending danger. 

“They serve to warn the sailor of dangerous reefs beneath the sea or perilous rocky coasts on land, and to guide ships into a safe harbor or back out to sea. So the message of the lighthouse might be – STAY AWAY, DANGER, BEWARE, or COME THIS WAY. Every lighthouse tells the mariner, "This is exactly where you are"….Fog bells were used as well as steam whistles and reed trumpets and sirens. The sounds they gave out were generally low pitched and very mournful - almost like a wail.” (http://www.nps.gov)

I cannot help but hear the prophetic voice in the nature of the lighthouse. The mournful cry of impending danger has been heard throughout the land; the alarm has been going off and some are awakened to hear it, others are hitting the snooze button and sleeping in or ignoring the alarm.

I see 2015 as a continual progression of God’s warnings to a sleeping church and to a nation who has turned her back on God in an ever-increasing fast track that is exponentially propelling headlong into judgment. And yet in God’s mercy, grace and love He has always had a remnant. I pray this year those who are slumbering, or have accepted compromise, living as carnal Christians will hear the alarms and will turn back to God. Repent, for the kingdom of God is at hand.

Malachi 3:1 "I will send my messenger, who will prepare the way before me. Then suddenly the Lord you are seeking will come to his temple; the messenger of the covenant, whom you desire, will come," says the LORD Almighty.

Luke 1:7 And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous--to make ready a people prepared for the Lord."

Matthew 11:13 “For all the prophets and the Law prophesied until John.  14 “And if you are willing to accept it, John himself is Elijah who was to come.  15 “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

Malachi 4:5 Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord.  And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.”

The spirit of prophet type, Elijah, will once again come before the Day of the Lord, for the same purpose that John the Baptist served. What an "odd, intense, fanatic" of a man he was, coming out of the wilderness, wearing camel hair clothes, eating locust and honey. He would not compromise the Word or the calling, he pointed to Jesus constantly, without self-glorification and his call was a call to repentance without mincing words. He was an alarm. He was a lighthouse pointing to THE LIGHT.

John 1:6 There was a man sent from God, whose name was John. 7 The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe. 8 He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.

If there is a yearning in your heart as you read this, I pray you will allow God to move you to a place of truth. Truth in these times, in your calling and truth in allowing Him to place that uncomfortable finger on those places in your heart that He is calling you out of compromise, to live in HIS light and to become a vessel of His light shining through you in these darkening times. I pray for my brothers and sisters in Christ around the globe that may feel like lonesome eagles. I pray for your strength, your courage and perseverance, and thank God for where He has placed you to be an example. I thank God for strategically placing Lighthouses in this world, nation, communities.